Some people are on the lookout for a committed relationship, while some just want sex with no strings attached. So what's the problem? The romantics can date the romantics, and the bunnies can date the bunnies, and everybody's happy. Right? Wrong. Why?
Because people say that they're only looking for a fling, and then cling and manipulate when you try to leave. Because people say that they want a committed relationship, and then break every promise they make. Why? Why tell a partner that you want something other than what you really want? Why tell yourself and your lover lies which guarantee that both of your hearts will be broken?
The answer is painfully simple: social stigma. Value judgments placed on both approaches to sex by various groups make it a bigger risk than necessary to speak your heart. If your goal is to share an evening's (safe!) pleasure, saying so outright can get you labeled "cold," "shallow," a "user." But just as unfairly, those who are seeking committed relationships are accused of being "needy," "possessive," or that used-to-death (or at least to meaninglessness) bit of jargon, "codependent."
So, how can we make it easier for people to speak the truth about what they're seeking in a sexual partner? By being willing to hear the truth. This sounds easier than it really is. If you've been hurt by someone who said they shared your desires but turned out to want another sort of relationship entirely, it's very easy to write off their preferred approach as "sick," "deluded," "convenient," or any number of pejoratives whose only effect is to cultivate intolerance. But the cause of heartbreak isn't the existence of commitment or the existence of non-committed sexual encounters - it's lies and disrespect.
So, if someone whom you want to bring home to meet your parents tells you that she really only wants to enjoy a festival evening with you - be fair. She's telling you the truth, honor it as such. And if getting any closer to her would mean a broken heart later, say your farewells now.
If someone with whom you want to enjoy fun sex play and then go your separate ways tells you that he's looking for a steady partner - accept that too. Don't call names or laugh at him, or try to guilt him into doing what you want. He's telling the truth - respect him for that.
Remember, nobody owes anyone sex, ever, under any circumstances. So avoid unpleasant surprises - know your heart, and speak the truth. As long as fastidious attention is paid to safety, no one is harmed; so do as ye will.
Reprinted with permission from:
Faces of the Goddess
c/o Siannan NiAoidh
12001 Ehrlich Rd.
Crows Landing, CA 95313
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