No, I don't mean whether people being attracted to you proves that you're a good person. I mean - is how easily you're sexually attracted to others an indication of your value as a person?
A friend who I hadn't seen in years called me, and in between describing his new commune and musical career, asked, "So what do you look like nowadays? Not that I'm a physicalist or anything..." I laughed out loud. I guess a "physicalist" is someone who is preferentially attracted to some physical attributes more than others. Look, gang - a sin! We found a sin!
As a Pagan, I don't believe in sins. Honesty with oneself, sure. Consciousness of one's motivations - definitely! But everyone has their "automatic turn-off buttons," be they related to body type, voice, or complexion, and while it's unfortunate that we have these hurdles between us and romantic bliss, it's a fact - and flogging ourselves over it accomplishes nothing.
I'm in the fortunately illustrative position of embodying my own "automatic turn-off button." I'm "overweight" by current standards, and don't feel physical attraction to similarly built people (except myself, but that's another story!) So I know that it's not too likely that anyone else will find me physically attractive. But if I did get involved with someone who, for the sake of political correctitude, convinced hirself that sie should feel attracted to me and made love to me as a duty borne out of love - like bathing a disabled aunt or diapering a baby - I'd be really sad. I'd rather have no sexual partner than one who made love with me because sie thought sie owed it to me, or in "exchange" for something else sie wanted out of the relationship. "The least I can do," in this case, is less than nothing at all.
So - why lie to yourself? Why try to convince yourself that you're attracted to someone sexually when you're not? Is your friendship worth so little that you must have sex with someone to justify hir spending time with you? If either you or sie see it that way, perhaps your "friendship" isn't very substantial. And what about cuddling? You can cuddle with someone who doesn't arouse you sexually - if sie's old enough to become sexually aroused, sie's old enough to take care of hirself. So long as you tell each other the truth from the outset, don't "hope sie'll change hir mind," and commit not to whine or coerce each other, you can still have physical closeness without pressure to "perform" sexually with no pleasure to yourself.
If being in a relationship ever starts to seem strongly preferable to being alone, I can always do magic to acquire the ability to feel sexually attracted to overweight people. But I'm quite happy as I am, and I don't owe it to anyone to feel attracted to hir - no matter what buzzwords sie throws at me. Nobody who tries to guilt you into bed is worth your time - or mine.
(Many thanks to E.J., whom I love dearly but who shares my dilemma!)
Reprinted with permission from:
Faces of the Goddess
c/o SiannanNiAoidh
12001 Ehrlich Rd.
Crows Landing, CA 95313
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