Columbine's Guide to Popularity

It's true - I have lots of friends. Real friends. How do I do it? Well, it's also true that I've never been shy; but being outgoing can put people off too. When my friends tell me what they like about me, it's seldom a facet of my personality, but rather something that I do on purpose. So, here are some of those things that I do, on purpose, that have won me so many friends.

Don't just talk, converse

Conversation is far more dependent on listening than on talking. If you're just "waiting your turn" until you can continue your monologue, you're setting yourself up for a reputation as a first-class dweeb. If you haven't got the hang of listening yet - or if, for some reason, you're attempting to have a conversation with someone whose chosen topic is of no interest to you whatsoever - here are some shortcuts to help you avoid coming off dull and rude:

Don't interrupt - No matter how interesting or relevant your comment is, or how likely it is that you'll forget it if you don't raise your voice and BLURT IT OUT RIGHT NOW, you have to keep in mind: What's more important, that what you have to say be heard, or that you not be perceived as a selfish boor?

Speak rather than shouting - Think of the most eminently avoidable jerk you know. Think of that same jerk every time you're tempted to force people to listen by talking louder. It's almost an admission that you have nothing of interest to say... "But if I yell it at the top of my lungs and keep YOU from talking, you'll have to suffer through it!"

If other people are talking, go with the flow - If you absolutely must expound on the brilliance of your thesis, wait until the discussion of local radio programming comes to its natural end. (Clumsy attempts at segues - e.g. "The Saturday morning DJ sounds a lot like my thesis advisor, who said..." - are worse than simply admitting that you don't care what anyone else has to say.)

Don't be drawn into a Bore War - If you find yourself being subjected to someone who just wants to use you as a verbal dumpster, and any attempts at conversation on your part are met with rudeness, don't attempt to converse. Let them run out of air and excuse yourself. Not only is it pointless to engage in a shouting match with a social rhinoceros, it's not any fun.

Go ahead and make mistakes

Everybody messes up sometimes. But people with a "so what, I messed up" attitude, who just clean up the mess and go on, don't lose friends over it. So long as you avoid...

Elaborate cover-ups - These never stay in place anyway, and once the truth is found out, your name will be mud

Maudlin self-flagellation - "I can't believe you're even still speaking to me, I'm the scum of the earth"

Defensive excuses - "The traffic was ridiculous, and there's no way I'd have made it on time in this weather anyway"

Sullen snappishness - "I said I don't want to talk about it!"

...your mistakes won't blossom into embarrassing social problems.

Keep promises

This is easiest to do by not making a lot of promises. If there's something you'd really like to do, but aren't absolutely sure that you'll do, express it conditionally: "I'll do it if I can." If you tell someone you'll do a thing, even if you don't use the words "I promise," they'll think less of you if you back out unless you've got valid grounds for doing so. "Things just got too crazy" is not valid grounds. And if you create crises, consciously or unconsciously, to get you out of keeping your promises, well, you're a flake and a Drama Queen, which most folk find rather tiresome.

Avoid whining

Yes, some things hurt, and hurt less if you share them. But listening to someone whine is a favor, not a pleasure; and if it comprises most of people's interactions with you, they won't go out of their way to spend time with you. If you want to be popular, avoid these subjects entirely:

Your symptoms

Your lousy job/creepy boss/rotten co-workers

Why you have terrible luck/everybody hates you

Give advice only when someone asks for it

No matter how wise/experienced/savvy you are, nobody likes a know-it-all. If you know a good way to deal with someone else's situation, test the waters before assuming that they're clueless: "I was in that situation once..." (wait, listen) Nine times out of ten, they're just whining/venting, and don't want either your opinion or even a way out of the situation. Remember, people think that having a hard time makes them important or interesting - okay, it's not true, but you'd be surprised how many people mistake whining for conversation.

Tell the truth

Even if it's icky. If you're asked "Does this look good on me" by someone on whom whatever-it-is looks absolutely hideous, say "No." You don't have to laugh uproariously or feign severe nausea - a simple "It looks uncomfortable" or "That's not your best color" will do. This way your friends will know that they can trust you, that you don't just say whatever seems the most expedient.

Keep your quarrels to yourself

Even if it seems very important to warn everyone that the person with whom you're quarrelling is an unethical creep - wait until you're no longer angry to spread the word. Those who attempt to recruit their friends into their personal quarrels are seldom welcome company.

Keep secrets

This one is pretty self-explanatory. It may seem "inappropriate" not to pass along a particularly juicy tidbit, but it's impossible to like someone you can't even trust.

Shed barnacles

"Barnacles" is my verbal shorthand for "people who think they're friends, but who are actually time/energy leeches." If there are people in your life who use you for a "resource" - someone to drone at, borrow from, get a ride with, hit up for drinks/crash space/you name it - but who never listen, pay you back, or help you out, let them fall away. Anyone who takes you for granted is not a friend, but a parasite, and eats up both your time and your patience - resources best hoarded for your interactions with friends.

Remember that friendship is not owed

Friends are people who want to spend time with you. This may or may not include:

People who have spent time with you in the past

People for whom you have done favors

People who share your interests/dilemmas/geographic location/etc.

If someone falls in love and starts spending all their time with their new sweetheart, whining "I never see you any more" at them won't make them eager to reestablish contact - it will only make them consider you greedy, pushy, and insensitive.

Don't play Catch-22 games or fish for compliments

There's nothing more wearing than being plied with "tests" of one's loyalty. "I look terrible." "At least Michael thinks I've got a brain." "Well, who'd go out with me anyway?" {YAWN} Yes dear, whatever you say, I'm going to go get a drink now.

The most important thing to remember in your pursuit of lasting friendships is that most people aren't really interested in being friends, only in having friends. About 95% of humanity (at least in my experience) are, frankly, a waste of time. Learn to identify the people who inspire you, who are honest with you, and whose company is always welcome, and practice the delicate art of friendship with them in particular. For friendship is an art, at least in this culture of isolation and alienation, and its disciplines are a joy to the practitioner and to the world.