A Letter From Satan

Dear Satan,

I understand that you thrive on pain and suffering on other beings, especially mortals, like myself. However, I believe that nothing brings you more pleasure than causing pain to the one that cast you down from Heavens, God. "Well I think that Satan was Gods' best creation- / He's kept him in business for years. / It's not common sense making mankind repent- / But eternal damnation it fears" (Brimstone Ballet). True, hundreds of thousands of people die each year of starvation, wars are raging all over the planet, and "Halls of justice painted green / money talking / ... Lady Justice has been raped" (Metallica). All that is your doing, which is fine, because that is your job. But why doesn't God do something to help us? Because he gets off on watching us like some sort of a divine comedy.

After all, the 'just and merciful' God sent bears to kill forty two children who called his prophet Elisha 'baldhead' (2 Kings 2:23-24). Also in the Genesis story, God tells Adam and Eve that the day they eat from the tree of knowledge they will surely die (Gen 2:17). The Devil (you) tells them that they will not die, but that their eyes would be opened and they would know the difference between good and evil (Gen 3:5). Now who was telling the truth here? They say that "... we are all Gods' children, / can you please explain - / how any father could inflict his children so much pain" (If I die laughing...).

I suggest that you let us off the hook and strike directly at him. It will take some time, but that is nothing for a timeless being such as you. First of all stop the wars, starvation, and other things that you are doing on our Earth. I know it will not be easy change for you, but the reward will be great. Also start rewarding people for doing good deeds. And last, but not least, make Hell 'hell' of a better place than Heaven, from mortal's point of view.

Just think what it would do to God's followers, "More tonque in cheek than a french kiss from Judas Iscariot" (Art Nazi). The world peace and prosperity would be achieved thanks to you, Satan, Lord of Darkness, not that overrated, sadistic being called God. Than as a reward for serving you, people would receive a great mortal life, nothing new for you, as well as afterlife in Hell much more pleasant than that in Heaven. All that would attract more souls to your cause, while taking them away from God, thus making him weaker as well as causing him much pain and suffering. After all, there no better revenge than success, success by any means necessary.

Your friend, K

May the guardian spirits be with you

P.S. Jesus, protect me from your followers.

As I read the letter, which I found remarkably well-organized and reasonable, I came to the conclusion that the sender at least deserved an answer. Specifically, an answer from Satan. I found the Dark Lord within myself and replied thusly:

Dear K,

Thank you for taking the time to contact me about your concerns regarding justice and the universal balance of actions. I receive numerous messages on the subject daily, but yours was refreshingly well-referenced, and your suggestion that I exact my vengeance not upon mortals, but upon the Jews' unfortunate choice of deity very well thought out.

While my position for accomplishing this is excellent, strategically speaking, I regret that my ontological nature is not of a sort that lends itself to intradimensional retribution. To be blunt, and this is in no way to be construed as an impugnment of your beliefs - I do not, in the strictest sense, "exist." As this is also the case (although for very different reasons!) of my ancient adversary, any vengeance taken on my part for his abuses of humanity would have little effect but my own personal satisfaction, and as you may well guess, I would rather expend my energies in a more productive fashion.

However, as a flesh-and-blood being and alleged creation of God, you yourself have a little-known and very powerful capacity for exacting the vengeance that he so well deserves! If I may explain:

The reason that my adversary is ontologically lacking (read: shaky in the Reality Department) is that his megalomania has entrapped him into the habit of engorging his own cult with the contradictory, barbaric, and often insane creeds of every culture he has exploited. (Hence the "loving god"/sadistic maniac split you noticed.) This assimilation was well underway long before the extant books of the bible were written, making the entire thing a script for broad and pitiful folly whose sole remaining reason for existence is the circular and unsubstantiated quality of "faith."

In a quaint turn of events, in his attempt to engulf Zoroastrianism and some of the dualistic winter/summer faiths of Northern Europe, he adopted a bastard child far more credible and immeasurably more appealing than his own bloated and unclear facade: myself.

Yes, K - our regrettable neighbor upstairs has already accomplished what I can not, and what you have so far only dreamed of doing. He has wreaked irreversible damage upon himself, even through his own gluttony, covetousness, and avarice; and has (much like the Celtic deities he worked so hard to supplant) birthed himself a son who even now prevails over him.

Perhaps he has some utility yet as a comedian...

But, back to your part in this divine comedy of errors. As one of god's purported "creations," you are the only type of being able to expose this celestial has-been for what he is. And the means to this end are deceptively, even frustratingly simple.

You must think for yourself.

Bend your knee to no being unless you must feign servitude to protect yourself. Acknowledge those of us who exist in other dimensions from your own, but do not obey, worship, or attempt to appease us. We have our own agendas, and no being whose priorities include the manipulation of other creatures is worth your consideration, much less your fear. Live your life boldly, unafraid to learn and change as new information becomes available, and turn neither your ear nor your hand to the cowardly voice of ridicule, for it is no more than another phantom born of cringing servitude.

If I may in any way be of assistance to you in this endeavor, please do not hesitate to call upon me in any fashion you think suitable. Please, no burnt offerings or slaughtered children - those are really more our adversary's delights. But if you desire to offer me dance, incense, poetry, ceremony, tears, intoxicants, or the pleasure you share with another, rest assured I will be there, and will lend my hand to your developing independence until the day you feel comfortable with letting me pass (along with our enemy) into the realm of myth.

My warmest regards, and deepest respect, are with you.

Satan

P.S. There is no Hell.