From: li@Data-IO.COM (Phyllis Rostykus)
Date: 5 Jun 93 17:29:06 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.pub.dragons-inn
Subject: Kadrys & Kardia: Don't Let It Show

[ADMIN:  Posted on behalf of Andrea Evans. By both of us.]

---

Daylight. The prosaic beams of the sun had returned to Generica, replacing
the wild polychrome sparkling of the wizard torches, the warm flicker of the
bonfires and braziers, the shadows where anything could happen. The dawn had
passed, and the morning, though cloudy, was well-advanced, when a man crossed
the Plaza of Glittering Steel, moving toward the Dragon's Inn. Strangely, he
was dressed only in a pair of dark trousers, his bared torso gleaming pale in
the grey, shadowless light.

Kadrys slipped into the Inn, breathing a faint sigh of relief as its familiar,
welcoming shadows stroked the pain of the sun away from his skin. He vanished
briefly into the storeroom behind the bar where he kept a few belongings,
emerging dressed and with the tangled aftereffects of the party combed out of
his thick black hair. He was about to head upstairs, when he was approached by
the greybearded man he had first met at Luthor and Serene's housewarming.
The one who'd only give his name as "Captain". He grinned at Kadrys, threw a
conspiratorial glance upstairs.

"That Kardia. Lovely lass, isn't she?"

"Uhh, yes, she is..." Kadrys muttered, frowning slightly. 'Who needs telepathy
or town criers when there's the good old fashioned rumour mill?' he wondered
a little acerbically to himself.

Captain sidled closer, widened the grin a touch.

"I understand she's got no relatives here. So I was wondering...
Could you use a man, a fatherly sort of fellow, someone like _me_,
to ... give her away?"

Kadrys blinked. He had had a long and very eventful night, and this man had
just lost him completely.  "..._What?_" he asked eventually.

"_You_ know. Give her away. Like her own father would, (if she had him here,
poor girl).  ...At your _wedding_!"

'Our _wedding_...' Kadrys thought, half dazed by the idea. Some tired and
semihysterical part of him wanted to scream with laughter at the idea, at
the thought of half of Generica gathered for one of those solemn, pompous,
_blessed_ ceremonies, and having to put up with the - ah, spectacular -
consequences of dragging _him_ across a hallowed threshold. Another tiny
part of him just wanted to scream. Unbelievable, what people could bring
themselves to expect of others, on the flimsiest evidence. Absolutely
incredible. And absolutely inevitable.
...And understandable. The annoying part was, he could not really bring
himself to _be_ annoyed at the townsfolk's blithe assumption. They were so
obviously wishing him happiness, that on the whole, he could not help but feel
strangely touched by their interest, however uncomfortable it also made him.

At last he managed to dredge up some halting words.
"Umm, I'll have to think about it. I'll let you know..."
He backed away and darted upstairs, as much to escape any more wellwishers,
as to check on Kardia. But it was at times like this that he cursed his
sensitive ears. He could not close them to the knowing chuckles that came from
at least five of the corners in the room below, could not avoid hearing Mary
Littlefair comment sentimentally to the room at large,
"Ahh, that's nice, isn't it. Him hurrying up to see her so soon. Solicitous,
that's what I call it."
"Well I'd like to tell ya what _I_ call it, ma'am..."
came the rejoinder from one of the townsfolk, the leer plain in his voice.
"Hush now, none of that. He's a gentleman, that one, and she's a real lady,
as polite and quiet as anyone I've ever had under this roof, not like some
I could name, young man!"

He hastened down the hallway, the talk below vanishing from his attention,
displaced by the thought of Kardia, of the concern he had felt for her all
night and all morning, since the moment she had left his presence, weeping
in a confusion of griefs. Silently, he paused outside her door. This time,
his hearing proved itself a boon instead of a curse. He could hear clearly
through the thick timber of the door, the regular, deep breathing that spoke
of sleep. He nodded, smiling to himself, glad that she was getting the rest
she had so obviously needed. He would not do anything to disturb her. Far
better to wait and see her later, when she was rested. He turned soundlessly
and descended the stairs once more, taking his usual seat and doing his best
to appear to be obviously moody and lost in thought. Anything to keep more
people from asking him about this wedding, at least until Kardia arrived.


	It wasn't until about noon that Kardia woke up.  The soft sound of
a spring rain made it even harder to think about getting up, but the scent
of food from the main taproom made her stomach grumble.  She sighed and
rubbed rather puffy eyes.  Her nose wrinkled and she shook her head
ruefully.  She splashed cold water on her eyes while washing up before
breakfast.  It didn't help much.  She dressed and hoped that Littlefair
would have ice to bring the swelling down.

	The puffy flesh of her eyes was uncomfortable and it embarrassed
her to have such an obvious sign of her crying of the night before, so she
kept her head down until she got down to the main pub room.  At the
counter, she asked a tired looking Littlefair, "Please, may I have some ice?"

	Rowan made no comment about her eyes, but she could see the
concerned look in his eyes.  "It's O.K." she said, "I was just crying, some."
She chuckled to show him, "I'm better now." 

	Littlefair produced a cup with chunks of broken-off ice in it.
"Will this do?"  

	"Mmm... perfect.  Thank you."

	"Take care, lass." he said kindly.  She was able to give him a real
smile then and he smiled back at her in return.

	She turned away from the counter and saw Kadrys at a table.  He
wasn't looking at her.  She thought about running back to her room, but
then shook her head.  If her looks were all that had attracted him to her
than it would be better to know that.  She doubted that, though, from what
she remembered of the night before, even as part of her wished that it was
so.  It would have been easier if she were sure he didn't care about her.

	Kadrys did not look surprised when he looked at her as she
approached his table.  As she got closer, though, his eyes narrowed just a
touch at seeing her face.  

	She sat down across from him and managed a laugh.  "Sorry..."
Kardia's hands fluttered a little around her face.  "I... I was just crying
last night and... I'm better now.  It's just these stupid tear ducts..."
She sighed in exasperation.  "The ice should help bring the swelling down..."
She pulled a clean sock out of her waist bag and put the chunks of ice down
in the toe and pressed the coldness to one eye with one hand. She sighed
softly at just how good it felt against the heat.  She was slightly
surprised when Kadrys gently touched her other hand, which lay on the table.

	At her start, he began to draw away.  She then deliberately curled
her slender fingers around his ivory white ones.  A current not so different
than the one she'd felt dancing with him the night before flowed gently
through the touch.  She swallowed and tried to find the courage to say what
she had to say.

	"Is there something you'd like for breakfast?" said Mary Littlefair's
cheerful voice.  The gray haired matron was beaming at the hands clasped on
the table.  Kardia started and then grinned at the woman.

	"Yes, please.  I'd really like some oatmeal with some sugar, cream,
and any fruit you might have left over from yesterday... and maybe some cider
or juice of some sort?"

	"Certainly, sweets for the sweet, and it certainly is nice to see
someone capable of cheering Mister Kadrys up."  Mary bustled away chuckling.

	Kardia blinked after the departing figure and then laughed aloud
when she saw the glint of amusement in Kadrys' eyes.

	"Has this been going on all morning?"

	Kadrys blinked solemnly at her, "Ohh, it's worse than that...
there's even talk of a wedding."  

	"Oh, no."  At Kardia's completely shocked look he started laughing.
She groaned in exasperation and then joined him in his laughter.

	"You had me going there..."

	"But it's true."

	She quieted and looked at him.  At the look in his eyes, she
blushed and looked down at the table.  "I... I realized last night that
there are some things I need to tell you.  First, I am not from this world."

	He simply nodded.

	"Seems to be a lot of us, I guess.  Second, I was married already,
once, to... to Alistair Xvaramene.  He..." her voice dropped to almost a
whisper.  "He taught me many things and gave me..." she swallowed, fighting
to say what needed to be said.  "Anyway... he died three seasons ago.  I...
I am not even that sure how long ago it was 'cause I don't know how the
calendars here work or what day it was, exactly, that I was dumped on
Nexus."  She took a deep breath and was relieved to find that when she
looked up she could meet Kadrys' eyes.  "Heck... I didn't care, then."

	"I guess that's the natural lead in to the third thing.  I'm not
exactly sure that I'm... well.. over him, yet.  There are times when I'm
so... lonely."  Her hand tightened just a little on his, "And I'm still
somewhat uncertain if the reasons I'm attracted to you are solely for you
or if it's because you remind me of him.  It's been so long since I've had
to be on my own I also don't know if I'm just running to you because I feel
like I have to have someone take care of me."  

	"I... I guess I'm telling you these things because I promised you
that I wouldn't hurt you, wouldn't betray anything you gave me.  And you
deserve to know at least as much as I know of the truth."  The wet, cold
sock was set on the table between them, and she put both her hands on his.
"Last night I realized that I'd probably hate both of us if I stepped
directly into a relationship with you without knowing if I could stand on
my own.  If I couldn't support myself, couldn't deal with life with only
friends instead of a lover.  Alistair always seemed so much stronger and
more capable than I, so I always just leaned on him and took it for
granted.  I guess..." she paused and the next phrase came out a little
harder than she intended, "I guess I'm tired of being helpless."

Slowly, he nodded. There was no trace of shock from him at her vehemence,
only silent understanding.

	"Which brings me to a question.  Last night, when you... kissed
me, why didn't you tell me that it was going to be far more than just me
donating a pint of plasma, of liquid and cells?  That it would be..."
Kardia was lost for words.  Then she grinned at the memory, "That it would
be a sharing of minds?  You called it my giving myself to you.  I hadn't 
been ready for that."

Kadrys' glance dropped to their clasped hands for a moment. When his eyes
met hers once more, they were full of wordless apology. His voice was a
murmur barely louder than the rain.

"I thought you knew. When I told you I was a vampire, you didn't even seem
all that surprised. You knew what the blood meant to me, I thought you knew
what the taking of it would mean to you." His voice dropped even lower, an
ashamed wisp of sound, "At first, I guessed that that was part of the reason
behind your offer: that you wanted it, the pleasure of the embrace, the
closeness behind it." He frowned and looked away, his face tight with chagrin
at his mistake.

'I should have known better,' he thought bleakly to himself, 'I should have
known her offer was just too good: that nobody could really accept everything
I am _that_ calmly, that completely, that quickly.' The pain rose in him like
a cold salt wave, the mourning for a sweet, swift acceptance he thought he had
finally found, that he now knew he could never have had. He forced the grief
down with the expertise of long, bitter practise. He had to be calm.  For her.
So, he was.

	Kardia's hands tightened on his.  She reached out, hesitantly and
then, remembering how she had touched him the night before she stroked him
on the chin, brought his gaze back to meet hers.  There was no condemnation
on her face, no anger, "That makes sense.  You couldn't have guessed that."

It was a long moment before his chagrined expression faded. At last, he
nodded in reluctant agreement. "I knew how deeply wrong that guess was,
the moment our minds met. You had never expected what was happening to you.
I could have backed away at once, but the contact had already been made.
I decided to stay, to show you something of my feelings, give you something
of my own self in recompense."

	She shook her head.  "I'm sorry.  I..." she blushed and looked
away, her hands loosening on his.  "I'm glad you did that.  Very much so.
You gave me something that no one else could have any other way, you gave
me my courage back.  My... belief in my capability to do something when I
thought I was helpless.  You gave me more than just yourself in the
exchange that followed, you gave me back a piece of *my* self."

At these words, he smiled softly, gratefully at her. The expression was a
strange contrast to the black intensity of his stare, in its own way almost
as compelling as gaze. "...And after all, _was_ it really such a terrible
experience?" he whispered. "When you had been prepared for pain, had even
thought there was a chance of falling victim to my curse?"

	She laughed softly, "No... it was... amazing."  Kardia took a very
deep breath.  "It was pretty much beyond anything I could have imagined."
Her eyes softened, "The pleasure..." her hands tightened on his.  "... it
was more than anything I've ever experienced in my life."  Her smile bent
just a touch wry.  "And I'll admit that I'm a little afraid of that.
Afraid that I might become addicted to that pleasure.  Come to depend on you
for it.  That frightens me still."

Kadrys bowed his head, his face falling into shadow. Too much of what she said
had cut too close to his heart. The need to resist the seduction of pleasure -
gods in hell, how well did he understand _that_, he who could smell living
blood with every breath he took, he who had to fight down the rage of his
thirst every night of his unlife, stop himself from killing with every contact
he made.
And the horror of helplessness, of exposure of your mind to an outsider?
How well, how very recently, he had tasted of _that_. Only the night before,
he had been forced for the first time in his aeons-long existence, to open the
ultimate depths of his soul, to give himself completely, to another.
The precious sovereignty over himself that he had fought the madness and the
millenia to preserve, he had finally had to abandon. It had taken all of his
strength, coupled with the desperation of knowing that his friend had been
corrupted in some critical way, unreachable by any other means, before Kadrys
could bring himself to risk that exposure, that vulnerability.

Indeed, the final cost to his difficult, lonely survival, of that surrender
might never be known. He had been profoundly shocked at what he had felt when
their melding was abruptly severed. He, Kadrys, the outsider, the loner,
the solitary, had ached with deep grief and loss at the separation. No matter
how he had tried to deny it and rationalise it since, he could not escape the
knowledge that -- contrary to everything he had ever believed, no, _known_,
about himself -- he had _loved_ it: the union, the togetherness, the becoming
more than his own single self. Even, truth to tell, the moment of yielding to
the merging itself: he had been expecting, had been prepared to fight down,
panic, fear, revulsion. He had been entirely unprepared for his own final
acceptance. Something deep, something absolutely vital to his soul's centre,
had been touched and transformed by the experience.
He knew the necessity for that merging had been absolute, would choose to
do it again, even knowing its aftermath. This did not mean that the risk he
had accepted was a simple one.
The implications extended farther than his foresight could reach. What if,
because of that instant of togetherness, he would find the coming endless
solitude a tiny, crucial bit harder to bear? There had been so many times in
the black reaches of his past when his loneliness had pushed him right to the
brink... Only time would tell. All he could tell now was, that much as he owed
'Raelf, yes, much as he loved 'Raelf and much as he had loved the experience
of sharing his own soul with him, Kadrys could not help wishing in his secret
heart that their merging had not been necessary.

And, despite Raffi's early efforts to turn it into a one-way debt and
payment, their melding had in the end been on equal terms. This was a far
cry from Kardia's situation. She had been _held_ inside his power. That the
contact had always been the tender embrace of a lover, could not alter the
essential imbalance between them. The fact that he cared deeply for her, would
do nothing ever to harm her, did not remove the knowledge that, had he chosen,
that embrace could without effort have become an irresistible stranglehold.
No wonder she felt overwhelmed, lost, even slightly afraid.
In her circumstances, he knew he would.

He drew a long, deep breath and slowly raised his head. His tones were even
and his eyes as they met hers were calm and clear.
"What happened last night was - too much, too fast, too soon. I understand.
I sympathise with your situation..."  'More than you know,' he added silently.
"...You're a long way from home. You're grieving for your lost love. You still
have much to come to terms with. You need room to breathe, time to think.
A chance to find out who you really are, deep down. A chance to grow, out of
the shadow of a protector. If I were you, I'd want the same."
He bowed his head in a single slow nod, a gesture of acquiescence, graceful
and unforced. 

Kardia sighed softly in relief.  

"...As you wish." he continued. "Consider me a friend, just that, and nothing
more. Unless and until you should ever, in some distant time, decide to change
your mind."

Kardia's eyes narrowed just a touch at the phrasing. "Nothing more?  But I
don't think that a relationship can be built on anything _less_ than a
friendship..."

His eyebrows lifted fractionally and he gave a faint nod of agreement.
"That's so true... Kardia, you are very wise. Far wiser than many who I have
seen mistake the action of other glands for that of their heart." he added
with a twist to the corner of his mouth, an ironic expression which instantly
vanished before he resumed.
"Friendship _is_ the best basis for love. Vital for lasting love."
Suddenly he flashed her a bright, crooked grin, breaking the solemn mood.
"Besides, it's a pretty damn wonderful thing in itself, wouldn't you say?
...And please, _don't_ worry about me for a moment. I have _no_ cause for
complaint, believe me. It was a pleasure...  it'll be a privilege, to be
your friend."

At that moment, Mary appeared in the kitchen doorway with Kardia's oatmeal.
Kadrys rose silently to his feet.  Kardia looked up at him with clear
eyes.

"I'll let you enjoy your - ah, brunch" he grinned, "- in peace. Goodbye..."
Though it only took a moment for his hands to slip out of her grasp, the cool
smoothness of his touch seemed to linger on her skin, as he smiled at her,
and turned away, and left the Inn.




(If it's getting harder to face every day, don't let it show.
Don't let it show.
Though it's getting harder to take what they say, just let it go.
Just let it go.)

"And if it hurts when they mention my name, say you don't know me.
And if it helps when they say I'm to blame, say you don't own me."

(Even if you feel you've got nothing to hide, keep it inside of you.
Don't give in.  Don't tell them anything.  Don't let it...
Don't let it show.)

					- The Alan Parsons Project

-- 
Liralen Li           | "Looking down on empty streets, all she can see are
li@inigo.Data-IO.com |  the dreams all made solid, are the dreams made real."
aka Phyllis Rostykus |  - "Mercy Street" by Peter Gabriel