Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2000 16:36:54 -0400 From: Kafka Dreams To: void Subject: then, monkeys flew out my butt This morning, I actually saw a big-haired blond in a fuzzy pink sweater on the side of the road with her hands in the air while a man changed her tire. Presumably, the car behind hers (a baby Geo-Out-Mucker-AWD-thingy) was his. My jaw fell down and my brain locked up, so I failed to parse what kind of car she was driving. It looked generic... though I might be blocking it out, cuz if it'd been a fuck-me-red convertible, my head would've exploded. Speaking of the road, have I mentioned that I REALLY HATE COMMUTING? I hate those fuckers who stay in the right lane until the very last second and then they FLING themselves down the off-ramp. Meanwhile, you had to decelerate to 35 MPH to keep from rear-ending their sorry asses. What do they think the off-ramp is for, DODGING THEM!? And I hate people who can't MERGE! Particularly the ones who pace you while getting on the highway so you can't move over and they can't get on the highway. Or even better, they slow/accelerate WITH YOU! Are they IDIOTS!? Do they LIKE bouncing off the concrete!? LEAVE YOUR BLINKER ON! DRIVE 60 MPH IN THE LEFT LANE! WEAVE IN AND OUT OF TRAFFIC! DECELERATE UNTIL I PASS YOU AND THEN FREAK OUT AND SPEED UP AND GET IN FRONT OF ME AND DECELERATE AGAIN!! I FUCKIN' LOVE THAT! KEEP TALKING ON YOUR CELL PHONE AND DRIFTING TO THE RIGHT! REALLY! WE ENJOY IT, WE TRULY DO!! There should be anti-psychotics in an easily swallowed (and tasty) liquid form dispensed on EVERY street corner. In fact, that big twisted intersection where 16 & 2A & Fresh Pond Parkway (among others) meet should have a GODDAMN LEMONADE STAND, every cup LOADED with CALMING, RAGE-CONTROLLING substances that FUCKING WELL *EASE* you into the day. Because if I have to get behind another SUV, huckin' and chuckin' up Belmont Hill but STILL DECELERATING until we're doing FIFTY FUCKIN' MILES AN HOUR and I end up going around them on the right because despite THREE EMPTY LANES OF TRAFFIC and me POLITELY WAITING then finally FLASHING MY LIGHTS they are fundamentally INCAPABLE of GIVIN' IT UP for a new-ish VW Beetle (but immediately move over on behalf of the NEXT car to come up behind them), I am going to buy a PUMP ACTION and start taking out those DAMNABLE TINTED WINDOWS on the SUVs and MINIVANS that keep me from being able to see a SINGLE MOTHERLOVIN' THING when we're ALL stuck CREEPING ALONG like ARMIDILLOS ON CRUTCHES because of a LIMPDICK TRAFFIC JAM!! WHY DO YOU NEED ALL YOUR WINDOWS TINTED!? HAS THERE BEEN AN RASH OF CATARACT SURGERY!? NEWSFLASH - YOU ARE _NOT_ COOL!! SUMP-PUMP SUCKERS!! WARTY-TOAD FUCKERS!! LINT-TRAP LICKERS!! AAH!!! AAH!!! AAH!!! AAH!!! AAH!!! AAH!!! AAH!!! AAH!!! AAH!!! AAH!!! Aah!!! Aah! Argh. Ahem. And my boss doesn't want me to work from home. Sheesh.