Path: netnews.upenn.edu!newsserver.jvnc.net!igor.rutgers.edu!aramis.rutgers.edu!kjc From: kjc@aramis [OLD RUTGERS ADDRESS] (Kelly J. Cooper) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Subject: Re: impending doom closer Message-ID: Date: 11 May 94 18:05:07 GMT References: <2qo4c4$jv9@necco.cs.umd.edu> Organization: Psychology @ Rutgers University Lines: 84 In article <2qo4c4$jv9@necco.cs.umd.edu>, kimy AT cs DOTTY umd DOTTY edu (Yong-Mi Kim) writes: > You'd think from my postings I would at least have a shred of self-esteem > at this point in my life, being all of 27 years old and essentially having > lived away from home since I was 17. Well, it's all a good show I can > put on until my family, and especially my mother, shows up. The more > family members there are, the more worthless a quivering puddle of > jellyfish do I become. Memorize the following (adjust gender as necessary, salt to taste, garnish with... nevermind): "Whoo-oop! I'm the old original iron-jawed, brass-mounted, copper-bellied corpse-maker from the wilds of Arkansaw! Look at me! I'm the man they call Sudden Death and General Desolation! Sired by a hurricane, dam'd by an earthquake, half-brother to the cholera, nearly related to the small pox on my mother's side! Look at me! I take nineteen alligators and a bar'l of whisky for breakfast when I'm in robust health, and a bushel of rattlesnakes and a dead body when I'm ailing! I split the everlasting rocks with my glance, and I squench the thunder when I speak! Whoo-oop! Stand back and give me room according to my strength! Blood's my natural drink, and the wails of the dying is music to my ear! Cast your eye on me, gentlemen!--and lay low and hold your breath, for I'm 'bout to turn myself loose!" --Mark Twain Use when necessary. > So for the time they are here, I shall be subjected to comments from > my parents and relatives about how fat, unattractive and unkempt I > am, reminded how I am failing at my main purposes in life, getting > married and being a "wise mother and good wife." "Twenty-four years ago, I was strangely handsome [...] I was so handsome that human activities ceased as if spellbound when I came into view, and even inanimate things stopped to look -- like locomotives, and district messenger boys and so on. In San Francisco, in rainy season I was often mistaken for fair weather..." --from a personal letter written by Mark Twain (And, if that doesn't work I've found that saying "Bite me" often allows for a few long moments of silence...) > I shall be the > person who dresses badly and always says the wrong thing, I shall > be an embarassment to my family, as my mother hisses in my ear and > jabs me in the ribs about some faux pas or another throughout the > visit. Smack her back. Tell them their clothes are boring, unnattractive and overall stiflingly traditional -- bring a stitch ripper to take them apart at the seams. Hand them mirrors and show them their own faces becoming pinched with all this grumpy foolishness. Point to where they are developing ugly, crawling, wormy worry lines around their mouths and eyes. Let them know they are staining their own karma with a foul smelling dark patch spreading from their cosmic crotches by trying to force you into their molds and concepts. Show them that their very hands are curving into claws of frustration and they will only end up raking their own eyes out. They are hampering your joy and THUNDEROUS retribution will be brought upon their heads for cramping your style. Open the tops of their skulls and take color photographs of the maggots breeding within -- develop the film into 8x10" glossies, suitable for framing. Hiss softly at them when they reach for you... > yong-mi > wish me luck Good luck. Y'know, Archie McPhee makes wonderful rubber cockroaches, which they'll sell by the pound. The standard black ones are always amusing, but perhaps even better are the ones that glow in the dark. They are a pale yellowish color in normal light and difficult to see if one places them around a room -- under a piece of paper, on top of a door jam, in the corner of a book shelf, among the pots and pans. But once the lights go out, one sees that they are everywhere... Of course, if one is more of a traditionalist, one can buy a Creepy Crawlers [tm] bug-making kit and some random colors of liquid plastic and make a collection of one's own. This way one can assuredly match color schemes where necessary. Sync _Joe's_Apartment_. -- Kelly J. Cooper illegitimi non carborundum