Date: Fri, 20 Dec 2002 11:22:39 -0500
From: Kafka Dreams
To: void
Subject: I'm really getting tired of those commercials


Hallmark Hauls Juvenile to Jail
Rooters, 20 December 2002
--

All eight-year-old Lisa Hollins wanted to do was give her parents a
card for Christmas.  But as the girl scout presented her homemade
message of love and hope, police swooped in and arrested her for
violating the Digital Millenium Copyright Act.

"Every time someone makes a card themselves, they are taking money out
of the pockets of Hallmark employees," stated Hallmark spokesman
Lampry McSuck.  "Every act of this kind undercuts the American
economy," he continued, baring an inner ring of sharp, pointed teeth.

"As the RIAA and the MPAA have previously pointed out, Americans have
an economic obligation to spend beyond their means, to watch
commercials, to pay attention to banner ads, to buy what we tell them
to buy, when we tell them to BUY IT!" Mr. McSuck shouted, spraying the
crowd with his anti-coagulant-laden spittle.

"IF WE WANT TO POLLUTE THE ENVIRONMENT TO CREATE CHEAP PRODUCTS TO
MINIMIZE OUR COSTS AND JACK UP THE CONSUMER, WE WILL!!" Mr. McSuck
ranted, jumping up and down.  "IF WE WANT TO INVADE EVERY ASPECT OF
YOUR LIFE TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE COMPLYING WITH OUR ECONOMIC
REQUIREMENTS, SO BE IT!!" he continued, bursting several buttons on
his shirt to reveal a gleaming worm-like torso.  "WE'RE GONNA HACK
YOUR COMPUTERS!  WE'RE GOING TO TAP YOUR CRAYON BOXES!  WE'RE GOING TO
RECORD YOU WATCHING TELEVISION AND PASS AROUND THE TAPES FOR
PSYCHOLOGICAL ANALYSIS!  YOU BELONG TO US!  YOU ARE OURS!"  

Mr. McSuck completed his rant by grabbing a member of the press corps
and attaching himself to the reporter's torso.  Mr. McSuck exited the
press room burbling with laughter and bloated with blood.

END